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"Take a look at this one, Andy," Bob said as he took off his boots.
I looked over from my locker to see Bob grinning stupidly at me. In his right hand he held open the December '00 issue of Screw.
"You're gonna get in real trouble there, Bob," I said walking to him.
"Fuck that shit," he grinned and handed me the magazine. I looked down at the picture of the guy with a horse dick being held by two fake-titted bimbos. "Nice, eh?" he smiled.
Sure it was nice. Fuck. What could be better, you know? Still, the foreman told us we couldn't take no more magazines off the press. And because Screw was the one dirty magazine the company printed, we were told almost weekly to not steal them.
I handed the magazine back to Bob. He shoved it in his locker and took off his other boot. He didn't know better. Bob was a little dull. Bob liked his Harley, the Green Bay Packers, his F-150, dear hunting season and fishing, in that order. And, yeah, sure he liked his wife Judy, sometimes. In fact, he liked pretty much everything I liked, except my wife, Tina, and my two little girls were first on my list. And, yeah, we both loved our jobs, press-men for a mid-sized printer run by this crazy guy who sometimes came onto the factory floor riding an elephant.
"Fuck," Bob laughed, taking off his T-shirt and revealing his slight pouch of a gut. "What would you do with two girls like that? Fuck."
I grinned. "Bob, you couldn't handle one bitch like that, man, you know."
"Bullshit," he snorted and pulled off his underwear. I turned away. Bob liked to show off. He had good reason. Bob had a big dick, nearly six inches soft. He said it got over ten inches hard and was thicker than his wife's wrist. "Come on," he laughed. "Check this out and tell me I can't handle them two in that picture, there?"
I glanced down and Bob was grabbing himself and shaking the fuckin' python. I turned away, wanting to wretch. "Yeah Bob, sure you got a big dick and everything, but God wasn't too kind to you upstairs, if you know what I mean, and that ugly mug of yours. . . ."
He laughed and threw a boot at me. I moved away and the thing landed with a loud thump on the floor. I continued undressing and heard him heading for the shower. Crazy old Bob.
Five minutes later, we were drying ourselves. It felt good. Friday night. Weekend and the Packers' in a critical conference game on Sunday. The green and gold had a lot to prove because they'd not made the playoffs the year before and we were sure they could pull it off this year. God, life was good..
"You gonna head to Toaster's for a cold one, eh?" he asked, putting his towel away.
"Sure," I nodded and put my underwear on. I grabbed my dick and balls and adjusted them so that they rested just right in the crotch area.
Toaster's was one of the local bars we went to after work to relax after a hard day. My Friday night routine was to play a little pool, shoot a little darts, have a pitcher or two of Miller Draft and head home to the wife and kids. I put my Levi's on, buckled up and grabbed my green and gold T-shirt.
"Heh, you think those two chicks from last night--you know, think maybe they'll like be there and shit?" Bob asked.
I turned to him. He was putting his boots on and was blushing like crazy. Bob may have had the biggest dick on any white guy in the city but he was totally shy around women. He was pretty shy generally. It had taken about six months for me and him to become good friends after we'd started at the company. We'd been there more than six years since, but. . . . That's why Bob liked me. I wasn't shy around chicks. It was never nothing serious, of course. Fuck. We were both married and we didn't want to mess that up. We just liked to flirt and shit.
"They might be there, man. I don't know," I said and started combing my thinning blond hair carefully, feathering it on either side of my part down the middle.
"Man, wouldn't that like be great, you know, to get some of that," Bob grinned.
"Sure would, man," I played along, fluffed up my long hair in the back and tenderly put my green and gold cap on.
"You don't think they were married or nothing, you know? You know, you don't think like they were lying or shit?" he asked standing up and combing his dark, thick hair. Bob was a lot less meticulous in his combing. That was Bob.
"I don't know, man."
"'Cuz, you know, I don't want to mess around with another guy's wife, you know. That's bullshit, man, you know."
"Yeah, I know, Bob. I know."
The two babes didn't show at the bar. After a couple of pitchers of beer, four games of pool (I won three), a couple of games of darts (I won both), three hours later, Bob and I decided to head out and call it a night.
Because my Blazer was in the shop, I walked with Bob to his '99 F-150.
"I appreciate the ride today," I said, getting into the truck.
Bob nodded, getting into the driver's seat, acting like I wasn't even there, and started the engine.
"Heh, man, everything okay, you know?" I asked him.
"Sure man," he replied sounding tired. He put it into gear and we were off.
I turned on the radio and smiled. A little Led Zeppelin. That would do the trick. Nothing like `Black Dog.' I banged my head a little to amuse him, but he said nothing, not even breaking a smile.
"Heh, man, what's your problem?" I asked, again, turning down Jimmy Page's wild guitar.
He shook his head, stopping at a red light.
"Come on, Bob. Everything cool?"
"Yeah, man, sure."
"Sure?"
He was silent and I thought it would be best to leave him alone. No reason pushing the guy. Sometimes a person's down and that was cool. Still, I was pretty sure I knew what was wrong. "Those chicks--" I began.
"Fuck them, man," he spat out. "Fuckin' whores, you know."
"Yeah, man."
We were silent again and the truck stopped at another light. The truck jerked forward on the green and rolled along. I turned the volume on the radio again. Cool. A little Bad Company. Sweet. Bob turned down the volume and I looked at him. He turned slightly to me and I could see he was extremely tense. He turned back to the road and we got on the on-ramp for the freeway.
"I gotta tell you something, man," he said, his voice breaking.
"Sure, man." I encouraged him. What the fuck? Bob was dying, what?
"Man," he swallowed. "Ya wanna know something?"
I nodded.
"I've only been with one lady, you know, my whole life, man."
Christ. I was blown away. That fuckin' monster dick and this guy's only fucked his wife? Jesus.
"You know, I just never met no one when I was in high school and shit, you know?" he continued softly.
"Sure, man," I lied. Fuck. In high school, a guy had to be the biggest nerd or the fattest turd in the world not to get some. Chicks would fuck you at the slightest word. All you had to do was get them drunk and bing. Fuckin' eh.
"I mean, I met Judy `cuz she was a good friend of my sister's, you know," he quivered. "And, you know, Judy told me once that she really got interested in me in the first place `cuz my sister told her she'd seen me naked and I had big dick."
I wanted to laugh my ass off. This was too much, but I didn't want to hurt the idiot's feelings. I nodded, instead.
"And, you know, we've been trying to have kids and shit and, you know, fuckin' nothing," he continued, his voice deep with emotion.
I stopped snickering inside. This was serious. Fuck. I felt bad for him. Me and Tina had two girls and were thinking about trying for a boy. She'd gotten off the pill last month in preparation. Poor Bob.
"Gone to the doctor, man?" I asked.
"I don' wanna go to no doctor, Andy. Fuck. What if he tells me I'm sterile and shit?"
"Yeah, but Judy's not gone neither, right?"
"I don't think so."
"Well, dude, it could be her, you know. You might be okay," I said, trying to be hopeful.
He shook his head sadly and then after a long silence he turned to me quickly and I thought the fucker would start crying. He turned back to the road, looking straight ahead. "No, man. Judy had an abortion in high school. She's fine," he said softly.
He swallowed and I could see he was sweating. Judy. What a fuckin' knockout. I always envied Bob he got to nail her on a regular basis. She was so petite and pretty. How she took Bob's big schlong I didn't want to think about. Probably straps and gears and shit. And her ass . . . fuck. But things started getting clear now. She'd probably gotten a bad rap as a slut in high school and then had to settle for old Bob. "Settle for old Bob?" Fuck, come on, man, don't be such an asshole. Bob was a good guy.
We got off the freeway in silence.
"You know, Bob," I said at the stop light at the end of the off-ramp. "If you really wanna get laid, just, you know, let me know."
"What do you mean man?" he asked.
"What I mean, man, is I still know a lot of girls from high school and shit and, you know, some of them are divorced or never got married or nothing and, you know, if you wanna. . . ." I faded.
"Maybe, man," he whispered. "I don't know, you know."
"Well, Bob, I mean, like what's your main, you know, issue and shit, man? Is it you wanna get laid or you want your wife pregnant?" I asked. Fuckin' eh. I'm offering the jerk-off some pretty quality pussy and he's acting like some fuckin' priest.
"They're kind of connected, you know," he said softly.
"What do you mean, man?"
"Fuck," he blurted. "I mean, maybe it's just, you know, the chemistry between me and Judy. Maybe if I was with some other chick, maybe it would be, you know, like different."
"Bob, man. You wanna divorce Judy?" I asked surprised.
"No fuckin' way, dude," he snapped. "No, man. I'm not saying that, man."
"What the fuck are you saying?"
"I'm saying maybe my sperm needs to mix a little with someone else and everything'll be okay and shit with Judy."
"What the fuck are you talking about, man?" I turned to him. "Are you nuts?"
"I don't know," he replied after a moment or two and looked straight ahead.
"Go to a fuckin' doctor, Bob, you stupid ass. Man, you're makin' no fuckin' sense."
He reached down and turned up the radio. Nice. A little Allman Brothers never hurt. We drove in silence. I slowly bobbed my head to the tough bass.
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He reached down and turned up the radio. Nice. A little Allman Brothers never hurt. We drove in silence. I slowly bobbed my head to the tough bass.
Ten minutes later, Bob turned onto my street. A Ranger was in the front along with my wife's Mustang. The white Ranger looked like Judy's. I smiled. The license plate read `NAST16-9'
"Judy must be over," I motioned to the truck. Judy and Tina were pretty good friends. Not the closest, but not too bad, mostly on account of me and Bob hanging out so much.
"Yeah," he nodded.
I opened the door. Bob sat in his seat.
"Don't you wanna come in?" I asked.
He looked at me and sort of grimaced. "I don't know, man. I feel kind of weird seeing Judy right now after, you know, everything we talked about."
"Don't be a shit-head, man. Come on. She'll be pissed as hell if you don't see or nothing." I smiled brightly. "Heh, I got an idea. Why don't we watch the Packers-New England Super Bowl."
Bob face brightened, impressed "You still got a tape?"
"Fuck yeah," I said proudly. That game, four years ago, when the Packers won the whole damn thing, that was one for the ages. I cherished my tape, and I knew it would cheer up good old Bob.
It took a while for everyone to sort of settle in. The girls were keen on the idea. Both of them loved the Packers almost as much as Bob and me. Tina got our girls to sleep at about 10:00 and I ordered some pizza. By 10:30, the four of us were reclining in my living room, laughing as Gil "the Grave Digger" Brown was strutting his stuff when he was announced onto the Super Dome.
Judy had just finished her third beer and grinned at me and Bob.
"So did you guys go to Toaster's tonight?"
Bob nodded.
She continued smiling. "Friend of mine said she saw you guys there yesterday with a couple of bimbos."
Bob paled visibly. I laughed. "Fuck, Judy, do you know how many bimbos go to that place?" I asked.
"Yeah, but my friend said you guys were like real friendly with them."
"Sure, I think maybe we bought them a drink or something, you know, just to be like gentlemen. Can't a guy buy a lady a drink without the world exploding?"
"Not if she ain't his wife," Tina said harshly, glaring at me. "God damn you Andy. I don't want you going there no more." I smiled at Tina. God. I loved her. Unlike the blond Judy, Tina was a brunette, taller, with a lot more meat on her. She was great in the sack. Like I would ever fuck around on her.
"That's right, Andy," Judy laughed. "Bob, I know's too honest to do nothing crazy like that. But a real pussy hound like you, Andy, you could lead him on the wrong path."
I looked at Bob who was looking straight ahead at the TV. I turned to Judy and Tina and saw they were both smiling. I grabbed a beer and was about to tell them to go fuck themselves when the pizza- delivery guy saved my ass.
The greasy pizza and the cold beer seemed to relax everybody and we were in a real good mood at the end of the first quarter. Judy fucked it all up.
"Don't you get enough at home?" she teased.
I looked at her confused.
"I mean, why the fuck are you two whoring around when you got a beautiful girl like Tina here and Bob's got my tanned ass?" she smirked.
I looked at Bob, who had stopped chewing on a mouthful of pizza. I turned back to the girls. "Let's get something straight, girls. Me and Bob have never cheated on our wives. Ain't that so, Bob?"
Bob nodded. "Yeah," he swallowed his pizza.
"Well," Tina grinned at me, "let's say for argument's sake, you're telling the truth. You guys still fool around too much without your wives."
"It's all them dirty magazines at work, Tina," Judy laughed. "It gets `em all hot and horny, you know. And instead of coming home and taking care of things with their wives, they go to the bar and pretend they're still like in high school."
"It's the pictures with the two women that get them really crazy," Tina said, before I could tell them I was cutting them off from the booze.
"Yeah, why do you guys get all going with that two women thing when ya can't even take care of things on the home front?" Judy continued where Tina left off.
Okay. Now, I understood. They were pissed at us for flirting with the two bimbos and now they were going to bust our chops a little. That's cool. No biggie.
"I mean, it's such a joke," Tina said, taking the baton from Judy. "Can you imagine these potbellies trying to take on two of them porno types at the same time. They'd have a heart-attack."
The two of them laughed.
"Here," Tina said, her laughter continuing. She took the remote and turned off the game in the middle of a long pass by Brett Favre.
"Heh!" me and Bob yelled out in unison.
Tina was standing up shaking her full round ass in the air and walking to the videotape box. "It's just a stupid tape," she said, and started bustling through it, looking for something.
I groaned inside. Not a fuckin' porno. Those were private. For my enjoyment or when the girls weren't around for me and Bob if he happened to be over.
"I got it," she smiled at us, standing up holding a glossy-covered box with some naked women on it.
"What are you doing?" I growled at her as she started putting the tape in the VCR.
"Yeah," Judy laughed. "I haven't seen one of these in a long time. This should be fun."
"Those are my tapes," I whined, standing up.
"Don't be an ass," Tina waived me away. "This is the sort of stuff you guys dream about and I think it's just ridiculous."
The video started, some standard garbage. I was breathing heavily. I never watched the tapes with Tina, mostly I watched them alone, if you know what I mean. And I sure as hell didn't wanna watch them with Tina and Judy and Bob at the same time. It was too fuckin' weird. I looked at Bob for support, but he was flushed, staring intently at the first scene of a house wife waving her husband good bye, wearing garters and stockings at the front door.
Tina and Judy immediately started laughing.
"Oh my God," Judy laughed. "This is what you guys get off on? God, look at this skank. Look at those fake tits." And it went on from there: the scene where the housewife got nailed by the meter- man, the scene where the housewife got it on with the next-door neighbor's wife, and the scene where the husband nailed his secretary at work and so forth. As it continued, the two of them were laughing less and less and watching with more and more intensity, until finally the big orgy scene began where the neighbors fucked each others' wives.
Tina gasped when the neighbor pulled down his pants and the housewife started sucking him to an erection. The guy was huge. I'd seen him in other tapes. They usually brought him out for the grand finale.
"Look at that thing," Tina mumbled. "Christ."
Judy clasped and unclasped her hands and looked around, agitated, almost rocking herself, as we were all given a close-up of the erection becoming complete.
The big neighbor bent over the housewife and shoved his cock in from behind with very little warning. The housewife screamed. The husband had the neighbor's wife on her back on a couch next to them and was struggling to get his semi-erect dick inside her.
"God," Tina murmured. "I feel sorry for her."
"Which one?" Judy laughed.
"What do you mean, which one? That poor girl's gonna be torn apart with that thing."
"She'll be fine," Judy reassured her. "Christ, Bob's got a bigger one and I'm still walking," Judy blurted and Tina froze. I looked over at Bob and saw he was flushed, his pants lewdly lumped with excitement.
"Bob's dick is bigger than this guy's?" Tina whispered in astonishment after a moment.
"Sure," Judy breathed. "Why do you think I married him?" she tried to laugh.
I watched Tina struggling trying not to look over at Bob. That was enough.
I stood up, adjusting myself a little and took the controller from Tina. I turned off the tape. The two of them stared at me.
"Why'd you do that?" Tina asked genuinely upset.
"I think we've had enough, don't you?" I replied.
"It was just starting to get interesting," Judy smiled.
"Well, I think we're all kind of tired and maybe we should call it a night."
"You wanna get into bed with Tina and start banging out another baby, don't you?" Judy grinned.
I looked at my wife. She blushed, embarrassed she'd been talking to Judy about something personal like that.
"How big's Andy's dick?" Judy asked suddenly, turning to Tina.
"Alright," I interrupted. "I think--"
"No," she continued. "I told you Bob's got a big one. I was just wondering. . . ."
Tina looked up at me, sort of shrugged and said. "You're pretty normal, don't you think, Andy?"
The two of them laughed as I felt the heat rise to my face.
"It always gets the job done," I smirked and then felt awful right after I said it. Fuck. Gets the job done? Shit. I turned to Bob who was watching me. He turned away. Shit.
"Well," Tina started again. "I mean, how big is Bob, for crying out loud?"
"How big is it?" Judy called out to Bob. Bob was a statue of silence, but that didn't stop Judy. "I think I measured it once when we were dating. What was it? About ten inches hard, honey?"
Bob stood up, beet red. "I think we should be going, Judy," he said softly.
"Going? Going?" Tina teased. "Going my ass. I gotta see this thing."
I stared at my wife. What the fuck was wrong with her? Normally, she was pretty quiet, but when she got around Judy she became just as obnoxious. Judy made everyone pretty obnoxious.
"Yeah, Bob," Judy grinned. "Show Tina that big dick of yours."
I turned to poor Bob. His face was set and I could see he was really pissed off. I didn't want him to do anything crazy like hit Judy or something so I tried to calm he down.
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